Keeping The Book Open

A couple weeks ago I had a blog entry talking about having closure to a situation and then closing and burning the book to move on. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I have not been able to move on like I had hoped. A bad situation occurred with some 'friends' and I have been constantly playing the whole situation over and over in my head. Every time I've thought about it I would ask myself if I felt that I did something wrong? If I needed to apologize for something that I hadn't previously apologized for? Would I have done anything different if I had the chance to do it all over again? The answer ~no~ comes up each and every time. So I should be able to let it go and say 'their loss'. But apparently because I have this tiny little malfunction in some small section deep in my brain I am not able to be so accepting of that.

So I decided to bring the whole situation up with my therapist this morning. I briefly explained the situation and gave my take on all of it. She suggested a couple of reasons why I might be having trouble "letting go" as she put it. Because this situation resulted in the loss of a close friendship as well as the break up of a group she mentioned it as being like a grieving period. People go to funerals to say their good byes which is a type of closure for some. However the thoughts and sadness don't go away once the funeral is over. Thankfully my situation did not involve a death, but it did result in the loss of a good friend(ship) and it isn't always easy for people to move on from that. In my case there is also a sense of confusion as to why this all happened like it did. When a friendship ends and you don't have answers to many things, then you are left with a lot of important questions that you really need answers for so that you can move on.

And it's not just about grieving a situation that you don't fully understand. It also has a lot to do with my self doubt as well. I know for certain that I didn't do anything wrong. I know that the issues that my ex friend has with me are really her issues and that there isn't anything I can do about the way she chooses to process the situation. At the same time though, I wonder if I am just trying to fool myself into thinking I am right. Perhaps there is just the slightest chance that I over looked or even blocked out something that would have me saying that I did do something wrong. The self doubt is compounded by my need to please everyone. The desire to be liked by everyone. The idea that because more than one person thinks it's true, it must be true. All of this has been discussed before with my therapist so she wasn't surprised to hear me say it about this situation.

I walked away from this mornings session with the feeling that it was okay to 'keep the book open' a little longer in order to grieve and with the reminder that time will heal the wound. Also with the advice that someone's anger towards me is only justified by them. It doesn't mean they are right and I am wrong. People become defensive when they are blind sided by something and that defensiveness sometimes clouds their perspective on the situation. Looking back on it, I feel that might very well be what happened in this situation. And it is up to that person to wait for the clouds to clear and realize they might have been wrong. I have to be confident in knowing that there is nothing I can do to change how this person feels about me with out being someone I am not. And because I am not willing to do that then there is nothing more I can do except let time pass and whatever happens - happens. I need to take the weight of the rock off of me and put it in the hands of the person it belongs in and let them deal with it. Do that and give it the time it needs. That's all I have to remind myself.

On a side note- it's a shame that so many problems have occurred and they are all a result of one person and their need to have their mouth into every situation. If it weren't for one bad apple, the whole bunch never would have spoiled.