Some one Stop The Ride

Well it has been a roller coaster ride around here lately and I don't think it is going to end anytime soon.

The past few weeks we have been preparing our house so we could get it on the market to sell. We have a lot of the house already packed in boxes so it would 'show' better without all of our clutter. I knew this was happening and I have been fine with it, even after talking with a Realtor. We were actually able to sell the house our self just before we were going to list it with an agent. We settled on a price with the buyers on Friday and planned to start all the paper work this week and have the closing at the end of the month.

Over the weekend we went to look at a couple apartments and the more I saw, the sadder I started to feel. As the weekend went on, every little thing related to the house caused me to break down. We were walking from the car up the walkway to the front door and I was choking back tears at the thought of not being able to do that next month. We would be parking in a parking lot and walking to a front door that was right next to the door of the neighbor who lived above (or below) us.

Camer on running in and out of the backdoor to play freely in her safe fenced in yard on her big play set. That was to shortly become having to make time to walk down to the play ground and restricting her from going outside whenever she wanted. At home she is in and out all day long.

I was sitting in my scrap room wanting to do an altered tin and I broke down before I was able to get the paper out that I wanted to use. Crafting is what I do. It's fun, I can be creative, it is a good stress reliever.... In a new place I would be lucky to get a small corner in one of the rooms to put a table.

And the worst thing is the thought of giving our dog away. True, the dog is dumber than a door knob and constantly gets in every one's way, but we have had him for 10 years and Cameron is very attached to him. He is just too big for an apartment though. How do you explain to a 4.5 year old why her doggie can live with her anymore?

It got to the point that Sunday I felt physically ill at the thought of leaving this house. Finally I just blurted out to Travis Sunday night that I didn't want to sell the house. I think he was pretty shocked at my sudden change of heart. We spent some time talking about and I spent a lot of time yesterday going over figures, weighing pros and cons, just driving myself nuts because I wanted to make the right decision.

I called the buyers tonight to let them know that we decided not to sell the house. I felt like I owed them an explanation and I tried to explain, but I think no matter what I said it wasn't going to change their disappointment. I feel bad and I hope they understand. I had no idea this was going to happen. Like I said, we had been preparing for this for weeks and it never once crossed my mind that we might be making a mistake. I never would have mentioned to them that we were selling the house if I had any doubt. It wasn't until the reality of it set in and I became an absolute wreck.

This is the second time in the past month that I have had a major decision set in motion and then changed my mind. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I never do anything on a whim. Every decision I am faced with is analyzed and broken down to the smallest detail before deciding what to do and I am usually satisfied with my decision. I was just as confident with these past 2 decisions only to reconsider at the last minute. This has left me feeling like I have lost control of my life and it is not a good feeling. In fact it is down right scary. I have always felt like I at least had a grip on things, and with these 2 major decisions coupled in with a bunch of small stuff going on - I just feel like I have lost the grip on my life.

We have been so focused on wanting to sell our house and and all that comes with it that I haven't really had time to focus on anything else. Now that we have decided not sell maybe I can deal with all the other stuff and regain some of that control. I will start with getting Cameron registered for kindergarten in the morning. We didn't know where we would be living so we didn't know what school Cameron would be going. I really wanted to make sure she was registered as soon as possible so this will be one thing I can mark off my list.


I just have to have confidence in myself that I am making the right decisions. That is the best I can hope for.